Celebrating The "Women Of HOPE" - Journey # 8

~~Amber's Story~~

Back in September 2008, I was doing this crazy thing that occasionally happens in college, called studying. After finishing studying for a biology test I had the next day, I stood up. Upon standing, I had shooting pain in my elbow and tingling in my hand. The pain continued for a few days and I started going to doctors: five medical professionals and a few months later and I arrived at an orthopedic doctor who said it was Cubital Tunnel Syndrome.

Like carpal tunnel syndrome, it involves a nerve that becomes compressed and pinched, but the cubital tunnel is in the elbow rather than the wrist. It also affects the ulnar nerve rather than the median nerve. Anyway, enough of an anatomy lesson; the doctor tried several conservative methods before resorting to surgery when my pain and tingling persisted.

The surgery was pretty routine - he would slice my elbow open about 7 inches, then move the nerve to the other side of the bone that stick out of the side of your arm called the medial epicondyle (thus effectively removing my ability to "hit my funny bone"). The surgery went well; I was placed under regional anesthesia, so my hand was numb for about 24 hours after surgery.

While the whole arm was numb, I felt great, but the numbness never fully wore off the ulnar side of my hand (that's the pinkie side). Though it was numb to touch, I started feeling a crushing pain in my wrist followed by stabbing pains in my whole arm. The pain continued, so the doctor decided to go in for another surgery to be sure nothing was blocking the nerve (basically, he went "sight-seeing" in my arm to check for mistakes).

That time I had general anesthesia that resulted in instant pain as soon as I was conscious. I was taking Norco (extra strength Vicodin) and it was doing nothing for the pain and nothing did until the surgeon prescribed some Neurontin, which helped the pain a little. The pain at times was so bad I'd want to throw up. That was mid-January 2009 and now the incision is healed up well, but my arm is still in great pain.

My hand sweats more than the other, but my elbow/upper arm feels cold. My hand is swollen some and the skin is stretched tight (my pinkie and ring finger knuckles seem to have disappeared, even when I make a fist). I can't move that elbow, wrist, or hand much at all without sharp pain. The pain is really weird and very hard to explain to doctors. Even stranger is what hurts - people walking by make a breeze that causes pain, so does even the slightest vibration, like someone sitting on my bed, or twitching their foot near me.

The orthopedic surgeon thought it might just be nerve damage, and we would have to wait for the nerve to "calm down." I wasn't entirely satisfied, so I went to a psychiatrist in February 2009 who first mentioned CRPS (or RSD).

The pain in my arm hasn't changed from before the doctor said "CRPS," but the diagnosis has thrown me into an emotional tornado. With Cubital Tunnel, I was looking at going through a surgery and two weeks in a splint, but relief of pain.

When it continued to hurt afterward, the doctor said nerve damage that might take three to six months to heal. A long time, but manageable. But now, CRPS, I'll never "heal" even if I go into remission, there is always the threat of its return.

How can I go on in life when everything I am has been stripped away?

I'm 22 years old. I'm supposed to be graduating from college, looking for a house, a job, a life - gaining independence from everything I've known while growing up.

Yet I can't even tie my own shoes or fold my clothes. I've been robbed of everything that makes me who I am.

I love working with my hands: quilting, knitting, card-making, cooking, scrapbooking, art.

I love being active: hiking, biking, horse back riding, camping, traveling the world.

All of that has come to a screeching halt, replaced with pain, exhaustion, doctor's visits, and trying to hide my pain from everyone. It is all I can do to keep up with my classes, homework, doctor's visits, and physical therapy.

My life will never be the same, my plans for the future have been destroyed, my dreams devastated, but in the midst of pain and struggling to comprehend what God is doing in my life, I find hope.

God is my creator, He made my nervous system, and He knows every intricate nerve that communicates with my brain. I know He didn't make a mistake making me, exactly what He knew He was doing.

Even when all else is stripped away, I can trust that God knows exactly what He is doing in my life. I pray that this time will be one of blessings - growing closer to God and reaching out to those who are lost.

My goals in life are still the same - love God with all my heart, help those around me to know Him more, and reach out to those who cannot comprehend salvation, but my means of accomplishing my goals have changed. Just like Paul, I've been thrown in a circumstance that seems unpleasant, but I praise God because it gives me a story.
It offers a way to meet people I might never meet, it blesses me with the ability to concentrate on God when everything else has faded into the background, it forces me to accept help and rely on other Christians, drawing strength from them when I am down.

Would I choose to have CRPS? No way, but I praise God for the blessing it is to me, even in the darkest of circumstances, I will praise my God because He is worthy. Though I know I face unrelenting pain, I say to God "bring it on, just so long as you use it to glorify you." Blessed be His name, for He is worthy of endless praise.

~~Amber~~